a dialogue.
November 26, 2008
i’m taking an acting class these days, and not just any ol’ acting class. one that is about getting to more intimately know the roles we play everyday. the ones we act out at work. at home. with lovers. in our family. and learning how to access the complexity of ourselves to take on new roles. we are learning how to act anew, if you will. and it’s a challenging class to say the least! phew!
last week we had to write a scene between our masculine and feminine selves to explore how they get along…if, in fact, they do. funny thing is, in doing this homework i realized that these two sides of myself are in constant sibling bicker-mode…and when acted out on stage, is actually quite comical. sometimes, being able to laugh at myself is the best gift ever.
perhaps i will be able to write that comedy after all!
…and since so many folks have asked to read the scene, i am posting it here. enjoy.
EXT. STEPHANIE’S HOUSE — DAY
Stephanie’s MASCULINE self paces on the sidewalk as if
irritated, rubs out the butt of his cigarette and stomps up
to the front door and pushes it open.
INT. STEPHANIE’S HOUSE — DAY
Stephanie’s FEMININE self sits on the couch with her laptop
open, strokes her cat who sleeps next to her as she writes
emails and stalks friends on facebook.
MASCULINE
Get up and do something!
FEMININE
What?
MASCULINE
I’ve fought my whole life to be given
space – to be taken seriously, but
no one would ever listen! And you
just sit here! All anyone could
ever see was this female body and
because of you, my fucking hands are
always tied!
FEMININE
Are you kidding me? You have always
been running the show. Please.
MASCULINE
You run the show!! You’re like an
irritating nagging voice in the back
of the room that i can’t shake off
or get rid of! You’re always there!
FEMININE
Well, if you didn’t fight back so
much things would be so much easier.
You know that but you can’t help
yourself! You always have to be the
center of attention…
MASCULINE
Well, if you would just leave me
alone and stop guilting me into
stepping back, into being more
quiet…to wait for someone else to
take the lead, i could get so much
more done! I’d be so much more
successful, and shit, probably
wouldn’t be all shy and conflicted
about making more money!
FEMININE
You know you want someone to just
take care of you, so get over it.
Maybe if you hadn’t been so fucking
“independent” with mom and dad, they
wouldn’t have cut you off!!
MASCULINE
Fuck you.
FEMININE
Why do you have to be so mean?
MASCULINE
Stop being such a girl. You’re just
trying to get attention.
FEMININE
There’s nothing wrong with being a
girl…though it’s not like you have
any idea what that means…
MASCULINE
Whatever. Just do what i say and
all will be good. I can make good
decisions for the both of us if you
just shut up and let me do it.
FEMININE
Oh really? You can’t live without
me. You pride yourself on being a
sensitive boy. An empathetic boy,
even. Please. You’re really not
that tough.
MASCULINE
Again. Whatever.
FEMININE
What is so fucking wrong with being
a girl? You think that i’m weak?
That i can’t get anything done?
Where do you think our success comes
from? People love you…and keep
hiring you…because you bring heart
and feeling and emotion into your
work…that you are able to be caring
and loving and inclusive and gentle.
You succeed in your work because of
ME!!!!
MASCULINE
(long pause)
Ok. Fair. Maybe that’s true. But
you stop me from going any further.
You stop me from taking more
initiative and being more pro-active.
FEMININE
Whatever. You’re just afraid of
failing…and that has NOTHING to do
with me.
Masculine snarls at Feminine who smirks and turns back to
her computer. Masculine sighs and walks back outside to
smoke.
##
blocked in
November 6, 2008
i want to write. je veux ecrire…soit en francais soit en englais. je veux que les mots tombent de mes levres…mais ils ne m’arrivent guere…je veux ecrire quand meme. i just want to write. i am filled with words, ideas, stories — i know they are there, but where and how to start?
i want to talk about possibility, about (re)connection, about trusting patience. i want to talk about metaphors and motorcycles and the equal space i give to riding and sex in my life. i want to talk about politics and my deepening reserve of tentative hope. i want to talk about healing. about joy. about her.
i really want to talk about her. this boy who rocked my soul, cracked open my heart…and from whom, at that time, in my resurgent grief, i stumbled messily away, et que maintenant elle est de nouveau la, en face de moi.
i want to write about how i humbly employed the words “i’m sorry” twice today – in two very different conversations – with two very different people. i want to consider the power of these two words to build connection, hope and respect…and yet, if used while skirting sincerity, they are words that can do more harm than good.
i want to talk about signs, semiotics and the synchronicity that ties them all together.
i want to talk more about memory and meaning and the invisible spider webs of dreams.
i want to talk about revolution. i want to talk about change.
above all. i want to talk about wanting, about asking for what i want and getting what i want. and how i am learning that these two may look nothing at all alike.
we did it!
November 5, 2008
i am speechless at this moment. being able to live and breathe this moment…
go obama.
hope reigns in amazing ways.
i want to say more but the emotion is still sitting precariously in my throat.
we have a fucking african american president…in this country…and one, who thanked and acknowledged the gay and disabled americans in this journey.
absolutely stunning.
(more to come…i promise!!)
