going home.
November 20, 2009
i’ve been passing my days this past week with a friend who first inspired in me, years ago, an elongated discourse on the experience of home…and here i am sitting in a friend’s home, after two weeks of traipsing through a variety of other spaces + homes, getting myself prepared to finally go home. to my home. to the space that every day gets me closer and closer to a new experience of me at home.
what is home?
what makes a home?
where is home?
where is my home?
during this time, things have shifted, changed, evolved. new ideas have entered in. static ideas have filtered out. questions have been answered yet still many remain in flux. i feel open and closed. watered and dry. clear and cluttered. certain and confused.
i wonder if leaving home is what brought me here. allowed me the space to let go and try on. to take the risks and ask the questions i have been too hesitant to throw out.
i am both excited and unsure about what it means to now go home. to (re)enter space that has held the fields of anxious grains that fueled my need to run away. to (re)claim space that nurtured a relocated heart that still trembles within a box of dreams.
alas, it is time to go.
home.
my home.
awaits.
going online.
November 18, 2009
it is time.
i have half-heartedly toyed with the game of online dating but i never really jumped in. until this week. well, until yesterday, to be exact.
something shifted in me this weekend – perhaps it is the traveling i have been doing, the being away from home for a brief minute, the new dose of playfulness + unexpected connection i seem to have encountered in my love life — who knows? but something has shifted and i’m jumping in. feet first. giggles + laughter. here i go.
what do i have to lose?
i have moved to a new city, one that feels so familiar yet whose radical queer spaces are nowhere near as easy to navigate as those in the bay, and i’m craving community. local connection. local adventures. and yes, local sex. if i make an intentional effort to eat, shop and live locally – as much as i can – why wouldn’t i also want to fuck locally?
i say this because well, i’m quite good at maintaining the long distant lovers. of getting my rocks off when i’m not at home. when i (or we) are exploring other space. other’s space. their space. and don’t get me wrong. these arrangements work well for me…and i still want more.
i had my string of lovers, flings, one-night-stands, etc. who shared space with me in the bay – yet none of this has evolved in my space in LA. yet. granted, i’ve only been in LA 2 months, but this queer is getting antsy. restless. feisty.
so i’m giving the online thing a try.
i typed up my profile, got critical advice from both a friend and a lover, and am now, ready to go.
i am open to play.
i am ready to date.
i am wanting to go deep.
are you game?
oh, sleep.
November 16, 2009
i never thought that something this common could prove to be so elusive.
these days, i have been battling wits with the fairies of sleep. begging them to grant me a wish of quiet, frequent slumber. alas, their ears are pointed elsewhere.
everyone seems to have an opinion.
it’s because you are stressed.
did you drink too much coffee?
why are you so anxious, my love?
and i wonder. what if it is something else? a curse, perhaps, cast upon me when i wasn’t paying attention. or when i thought i was asleep?
do you know how to break it? this curse, you know. the one that hovers over my head those nights when i am alone. these nights when i have wandered far from my bed. these nights when dreams are but a dream, a whisper in a fading past.
do you know how to break it? to usher in the magic rest that calms the beast rising within. she’s getting hungry and feisty and when she does, she is definitely not fun to be with. at all. that much is true.
will she come slinking out slowly, or busting out, gloves thrown off, claws ready. drawn?
i want to sleep.
please.
now.
um, how about now?
