crushed.
October 7, 2008
to continue my musing on dating and connection, i now turn to the fabulous land of the crush.
we all do it. we all have them…and i love the adaptability and multiplicity of words that can serve as nouns (a crush: i have a crush on him or i’m hanging out with a crush today), verbs (to crush: i’m totally crushing on her!), or adjectives (crushed out: they are so crushed out on each other)…they make communicating so much more fun!
there are so many kinds of crushes to choose from:
the “friend crush”: we’re clear on the being-friends part but love getting all giddy and crushed out on each other. text me more, baby. i love it.
the “distant crush”, aka the “we’ve-never-met crush”: ok. so we’ve never met. maybe i see you everywhere or every now and then. and oh, how i admire you from afar.
the “celebrity crush”: yeah, we’ve never met but damn if you knew how yummy i get inside when i see you on the big screen…
the “i-want-to-throw-you-up-against-a-wall crush”: if that’s not clear enough. there is the other version of this one i am coming to get to know better these days…the “i-want-you-to-throw-me-up-against-a-wall crush”. fuck yeah i’d switch for you.
the “giddy-nervous crush”: just thinking about you makes me all a-flutter inside. being around you makes me forget how to speak, or, damn, even how to walk, at times.
the “flirty crush”: so we may never act on this crush, but, oh, how we flirt!
the “unavailable crush”: you are luscious. distracting. but oh so unavailable. sigh.
the “we’ve-made-out-a-couple-of-times-and-i-want-more crush”: fuck. you so know who you are. mmm.
and finally, the “inappropriate crush”: right. clearly one of my favorites…and that all depends of course on how we define inappropriate…which i believe is a part of what makes it all that more fun.
ok. so maybe those are the kinds of crushes i have, and i’m sure the list is not at all exhaustive – and many can be intertwined to create a more layered crush. and i do love layers!
so, many kinds of crushes then leads to so many ways to engage them…and i am feeling so much like a wide-eyed kid who has just been handed a huge handful of coins to spend in a old fashioned country candy store. wine barrels teeming with all sorts of candy, enticing me to look, touch, and even taste. and i feel like that little kid who had forgotten just how fun this candy store was because he had been keeping himself from going back in for so long, afraid of being overwhelmed with all the options inside.
but here i am. i walked in and i’m not overwhelmed. i’m actually having a lot of fun. a friend laughed at me recently, calling me a “crush monster”…which is probably fairly accurate 
and something happened last week as i spent a few scrumptious days with a long-time crush (other than some yummy soreness and bruising…)…that feels like a lid was wrenched off and all the self-permission to indulge, that i had been hiding away these past few years, came rushing out…and it was, and is, amazing.
a new friend (and yes, i daresay, a crush) and i were texting furiously back and forth late into the night last night, giggling over new crushness, flirty innuendos, vampire sexiness (yes, that does fit in, in any conversation), and ultimately came to the realization that we were in fact, possibly, playing a game that more than just us were involved in. a “competition for the candy”, as he put it, because there have been a lot of crushes flying around this past week in the spaces we have shared (and in those beyond), so, in all of this, it’s been making me think…if it is a game, what are the rules?
which takes me back to my previous ramblings about dating…how can you break the rules if you don’t know what they are in the first place? because, fuck. i like breaking rules. it makes life so much more interesting.
roo.
September 22, 2008
a new friend reminded me today of how much i used to love the story of winnie the pooh growing up — winnie had always been her favorite, yet it was kanga and roo — and especially roo, that stole my attention. as we strolled the ocean walk around bondi beach this afternoon, i wondered at the serendipity in falling in love with an animal years before ever getting to see one in person.
is it possible to connect with someone long before you meet? or to connect in passing to pave the way for a deeper, more meaningful (re)connection someday down the road? i met this kanga and roo this past week – appreciating the beauty in the joey jumping in head first and not bothering to right itself – and, i just returned from a 4.5 hr dinner with an old flat mate who lives here in sydney – where we (re)connected in a way that we both have been intensely craving for a long time.
too much
September 22, 2008
ha. so in my exploration of connection, i am faced with what i could describe as the shadow side of connecting. spending too much time with someone. i’m finding myself less and less tolerant of lots of time with just one person – needing more and more time to myself in ways that i never really noticed before. in the past i clung to friends, lovers, companions — and easily fell into patterns of spending every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment together – as a way to assuage the stabbing hunger of loneliness…or to stave off pangs of jealousy…but now. things have shifted. granted, i haven’t really had many opportunities recently to spend a lot of continuous time with any one person in particular – and now, after 4 days of hanging out with my friend i’m staying with here in sydney, i am so thankful he had to leave this morning for work.
i am appreciating that connection works best with space in between.
…perhaps there can be too much of a good thing?
connect me. please.
September 21, 2008
i have spent much of today on a motorcycle, weaving in and out of traffic and winding through mountain, forest and coastal roads, which has given me plenty of time for my latest musing: what does it mean to connect?
to connect; connection: i feel like these are words i bandy about often – loving the way it rolls off my tongue and speaks to the multiplicity of ways i can build relationships, or moments, with people in my life. appreciating that it can speak to an intimacy that i otherwise might not have words to describe.
i woke up this morning, feeling on the verge of a flu, my brain a foggy mess…and on top of all that, emotionally overwhelmed with a longing to be home – to be connecting to the physical space where i have thrown down roots, where i belong. a feeling that has been magnifying, slowly, over the past few days.
this hunger is new and it makes me wonder what is shifting for me…or perhaps it is pointing to something new that is to come? or perhaps this is yet one more step along the path of realizing that i no longer want to do this traveling bit on my own anymore. a realization that stumbled into me that night i spent recently stuck in the jfk airport. even so. i am finding myself missing my life in san francisco in a way that surprises me…and yet also makes me smile a giddy childlike grin.
and so i find myself combing my emails (admittedly i have 4 separate accounts…), facebook, friend’s blogs – telling stories, drafting comments, responding to notes, reflecting back love and posting frequently here – because in being connected to a wireless network on my laptop, sitting here in a friend’s living room in sydney, my hands believe they can actually connect. through spinning words into virtual space, a desire to touch the friends i love feels somewhat met…and even so, it’s not quite enough. it’s a connection that feels incomplete – and yet i keep reaching out, stroking keys, looking forward to sharing physical space soon with my community of friends in the bay who i can actually touch, smile with and snuggle with into a delicious hug.
back in june of this year i was having a crisis of belonging and a big bout of restlessness. wondering where i was supposed to be. and so, i gave myself until the end of this year to figure out what was next. where i was supposed to be. where i belonged.
in the process, i decided to spread my tentacles (like that visual?) and explore how and if connection in its widest forms could possibly give me a clue as to which way to point my feet…which road to take. and on my ride today through the beauty of new south wales, i realized that in this craving, this longing to connect, i have found my answer. my home is in the bay. i have built community with folks there in a way that our connection reaches beyond any sort of intimacy i could have ever imagined. a few years back i asked the gods to bring me love in a way that would blow my mind. that would go beyond anything i have ever experienced. and it hit me to today. that i have gotten what i asked for…and all it took was patience, being open, giving myself full permission to want it…but mostly, to believe.
in addition to this realization, i unexpectedly found a way to reconnect with myself today. i may belong in the bay (for now) and at the same time, i also belong, simply, wherever i happen to be. this epiphany came to me this evening as we were riding back through the suburbs of sydney as night fell and a lone rider on a beautiful red sportsbike rode by and we shared a knowing nod. something i so love about riding in the states in the way that riders wave to each other with their left hands as they pass…and yet, when you ride on the left side of the road, waving is thwarted since the right hand just isn’t as free as it makes continual love to the throttle…and so, folks nod. well, can’t say any harley riders took notice of me…but us sportsbike riders…so much love. whether it’s a wave or a nod, i am connecting with strangers whose faces hide behind tinted shatterproof plastic…identities, gender, age take a back seat to the beauty of helmets and leather…and yet, it is the mere fact that we are there. people. on the road. on two wheels and we share an intimacy in that fleeting moment, zooming past each other with the wind.
somehow it was this final nod of the day, this sweet moment of silent connection, that made me realize that no matter where i am in the world, i can always find where i belong.
and clearly, i belong on a bike.
