stephanie yang

be careful what you ask for, she tells me.

and i laugh. nervously. reminded of all those cautionary tales of the three wishes granted by the unexpected genie in a bottle…yeah, be careful what you wish for.

yet we all do it. all the time: wishing. wanting. asking. begging. hoping for something other than what is right before us. perhaps because the grass is in fact greener on the other side, or perhaps because we are craving something new to shatter the banal routines that fill our time. or perhaps it is simply because we want. we desire. we crave adventure. we crave difference.

we want that magic key that will open the door to treasures and wonders unseen. we want to be saved. to be free.

what do you wish for?
what is it that you have asked for?
for what do you still yearn?

be careful what you ask for, she tells me, because you might just get it.

will you know what to do with it when you do? it actually may not be what you really imagine it to be..

a little over four years ago i was fed up. annoyed. frustrated with the “women’s community”…wanting so much to throw in the towel, walk away in a huff and be done with all this emotive, “a world with a woman leader would have no war”, consensus shit. i was feeling stifled by too much femininity in my world – in fact, the only people i felt like i was crossing paths with — in personal and professional spaces — were women-identified folks, it seemed. and fuck, i found myself so craving the company of men. really craving it.

so there i was, standing in my apartment hallway, telling my girlfriend at the time how much i wanted more men in my life. straight men, in particular. fuck. why not go to the extremes?

i believe she just rolled her eyes and asked me why?

she walked in a very different professional world than i did…a physical therapist weaving through a medical field where feminism and lesbian separatism was not the norm as it was in the spaces i found myself.

this was what i asked for that night…and now, four years later, i am struck with just how well that wish has come true.

can i come out now and say that as a queer girl, i like straight men? really. it actually feels a little scandalous to say that…

within 6 months of making that “wish”, i had quit my job at a significant women’s organizations and enrolled in film school, where i found myself often the only woman there. i remember shaking my head that first night of class, realizing that what i had asked for was being delivered to me, quite literally.

many times (oh, so many!) i found myself (re)assessing what i had wished for. really? i wanted THIS?!

learning to accept what i have asked for over the past few years has been a challenge – and a prickly challenge at that. i have been triggered, offended, pissed off, annoyed, angered. i have also been surprised. flattered. curious. thankful. and truly appreciative.

i have tried to be open. wanting to find the beauty in straight maleness. the vulnerability that comes with being raised a boy in this society. hoping to get a glimpse of the humanity that interconnects us as loving hearts. as complex beings. as people driven and haunted by beautiful dreams.

oh, it has not been easy…but it has been worth it.

it struck me in a new fullness tonight, as i was grabbing a beer with 3 straight white boys (all under 25) tonight after a shoot we were working on, ensconced in a cozy booth, that yes, this is what i have asked for. not that these boys be the core of my community – but that i have learned to appreciate the beauty in who they are as people, as artists, as individuals — and i have discovered that place in me that approaches them with love, rather than the snarky disdainful suspicion of before.

yes, be careful what you ask for.

i am curiously finding myself truly enjoying the company of straight boys these days…understanding them better, perhaps, or also because i have finally realized that in fact, we are not that much different. each of us are products of how we have experienced the world, and no one’s experience is more important, more valid, more true than anyone else’s. each of our lives, our dreams, our perspectives are deeply valid…

what i learned tonight is that it does require the intentionality of sharing space with and being able to listen to each other in how we share our different stories and also challenge each other’s ideas of supremacy in order to reach a common ground.

i work in a field, as a professional and as an artist, that is largely populated and controlled at this point by straight white men. finding a way for me to uncover the beauty in who they are was and is critical for me, in order to keep doing what i love. at the same time, it is my responsibility to share the beauty and promise that is all of who i am – as an individual, a colleague, and as a leader – in these spaces as well. sharing space does not require me to compromise who i am — or ask others to compromise who they are. we learn to walk together by being open with each other about our pain, our joy, our struggles and our truth.

i do believe that this is how change will happen.
and oh, how it already has.

yes, be careful what you ask for, she tells me, because you might just get it.